Why your Sentry events never reach your serverless functions

The morning Sentry lied to me, in the wrong direction A Tuesday morning in mid-April, I open the cron digest of Rembrandt , the ERP I've been coding alone for L'Atelier Palissy. The day before, I had finally wrapped four critical crons with Sentry.withMonitor to get readable SLOs, and I was waiting for that first digest like a Sunday morning of league results. The board is red. 41 timeouts on sync-formidable over five hours, 9 on check-replies , 1 on sync-pennylane , and a 5xx API SLO firing for