Telegram alerts for any production app — a 5-minute setup (no SaaS, no signup, just curl)

Disclosure: I'm a senior backend tech lead and I run HostingGuru, where Telegram alerts ship as a built-in feature. This tutorial works on any platform — it's the manual version of what HostingGuru does for you. Useful even if you never become a customer. There's a hierarchy of where production alerts go, ranked by how likely you are to actually see them. Email → 14% open rate within an hour, less at 3am. Slack → muted in 6 of 10 teams I've seen, especially "alerts" channels. Phone-call paging (